What is 'Normal'?

While changing clothes at my gym some years back, I frequently ran into a guy I'll call Tim. After Tim found out that I made my living as a psychotherapist, he invariably greeted me like this: " Hey, Jimmy!! How are you? and how are the crazies, today?"

Typically, I just played it off somehow, but eventually got so annoyed with it whenever I happened to run into Tim that one day I said, "Tim, you know, my practice isn't really about 'crazies'...those folks have a tendency to be seen in psychiatrists' offices."

"Oh..." he said. "But I thought..."

"No," I interrupted, "most people going to psychotherapists are not 'crazy'...the ones who really need psychotherapy have a tendency to stay away."

"Really?" he said, looking a little nervous now.

"Yeah, really. Most of the people I see are 'normal'...people just like you and me."

And with that, I pretty much killed the 'how're the crazies?' gambit. But it makes me think about what we mean when we say that someone is 'normal'?

It seems that 'normal' has become another way of saying 'healthy', and that either word can be used to describe a state of being in which a person appears to contain no internal conflict, no challenging mood, is not disturbing associates or family and friends, does not question himself about anything, and is not particularly dependent on others. 'Normal' seems to mean that a person is not driven by compulsions or desires they can't control, that he is perfectly 'in control' of himself at all times.

A typical question in therapy is the the one that begins, "Is it normal to...(fill in the blank with whatever it is about yourself that puzzles you)". Which means that if the therapist can be gotten to pronounce a thought, action or desire 'normal', then all is well. I could probably go on quite a bit more about the popular conception of 'normal', but I think I've made my point. Perhaps we could just boil 'normal' down to 'appears to need no help' or something like that...whatever.

I happen to believe that 'normal' is the pathology I deal with in my psychotherapy practice. Anybody who has read Shakespeare will know that humanity is full of odd desires, uncontrollable compulsions, delusion, willful dishonesty, aggression, hatred, sorrow, remorse, etc.

'Normal' also includes those who have witnessed acts of violence, been recipients of same, or were raised by those who committed acts of violence against themselves either in sudden, catastrophic acts, or by lighting one cigarette after another for years on end. Or, who drank one whiskey after another....

'Normal' also includes those married people who love one another, but cannot quite figure out how to live together happily. 'Normal' is to experience crippling self-doubt, paralyzing fear, profound self loathing, or unhappiness with life itself.

It is normal for teens to be moody and self-involved, to show little empathy for others, to be fascinated with 'darkness', to fear commitment. It is normal for children to have trouble structuring their time and taking responsibility for their actions.

Does all this mean that people should not seek help when it all becomes too much? Not at all- what is wish to say is that it is 'normal' to suffer, and to seek assistance with that suffering.

And that is all for now, but perhaps to be continued...