Perpetrators and Victims

In the mysterious world of the interpersonal environment, so full of subtle cues, instinct and non-verbal communication, there are positions of power and positions of vulnerability. Dominance and submission, the Call of the Wild- are you the Doer or the Done To? We see it on the playground at pre-school. There are those kids who cannot do anything but lead the play, and those who either follow, or disengage. If you put two leaders together in the same group, each vying for standing in that group, a struggle will ensue.

We never really leave the playground as we move into adult life, we only become more skilled at masking the rise and fall of instinct and its imperious demands. We also become increasingly attuned to the power of the Victim and the weakness of the Perpetrator.

In my work as a coach and psychotherapist, I have worked in conflict resolution for over 30 years. I have come to recognize that buried within nearly any conflict, business or personal, there is the sense by one side that it has been victimized by the other. And quite often, the side said to perpetrate claims itself as a victim by the other. In other words, they are competing with one another for the victim position. To further blur the picture, there are overt perpetrators who see themselves as victims, and overt victims who are nothing more than habitual perpetrators.

Why would the two sides of a conflict compete for the victim position? Obviously, because it is the more defensible and therefore more powerful position. It is easier to prove that something did happen than it is to prove that you did not do something.

There is also a perceived moral high ground that goes with having been victimized that plays on the human tendency to root for the underdog. If I can claim that you have injured me effectively, then I can force you into a defensive position in which you must show you didn't do something. And if I react with force against this claim, I have only proved your point.

By the way, how long has it been since you stopped beating your wife?

When working with the two sides of a conflict, one of my first steps is to establish this motto as a working rule for both sides during the course of conflict resolution: "In all of the following dialog, I promise to neither be your victim, nor your perpetrator, no matter how strongly it may appear that I am one or the other."

With this statement, one that each side must be reminded about over and over again, I might add (remember, we never really get too far away from the playground), we have neutralized the power of the victim position and have forced the dialog onto the new ground of personal responsibility, rather than having the interchange devolve, as most do, into a conversation about who did what to whom, or, as they call it in Texas, a 'pissing contest'.